くうこうで
ヒトをみました
みんなもね
ニューヨーク
ふるいパークを
さんぽたい
スクリーム
せかいへきます
わたしのか
ヒト - I used katakana for this word in order to highlight the foreignness of the people around the speaker in the airport.
パーク - I wanted to distinguish between a park in New York and a simple park anywhere. I used the harsh angular style of katakana that would reflect the angular shape of the city (with all of its skyscrapers and criss-crossing streets). I also used the word park instead of こおえん because I wanted to allude to central park.
スクリンス - I used katakana here as well as the English word in order to emphasize the foreignness or otherness of the screams the speaker is hearing. As in the poem above, I also used katakana because of the sharp angular lines to reflect the mood of the word.
I think that your use of katakana in these senryuu did an excellent job of evoking a sense of distance and "otherness." I'm still turning the meaning of the last poem around in my head, which to me is a good sign that you've produced thought-provoking work!
ReplyDeleteThe choice to use katakana as a visual reminder of New York's angularity in the second poem was inspired; I enjoyed the contrast between the sharpness of the city and the gentler idea of wanting to stroll through an old (but still foreign) park. To nitpick, I'm pretty sure that one can't write さんぽたい: さんぽ needs to be joined to します to become a verb, so in order to express the desire to take a stroll, one would need to write さんぽしたい. (Unfortunately, that would raise your mora count.)
You also have some spelling problems (which is completely understandable -- I have a hard time inputting Japanese characters myself, so I'm always worried about typos). In poem 1, みんあ should be みんな; in poem 3, スクリンス could be better rendered as スクリーム, which has the same number of morae.
Fixed the spelling. Thank you for the feedback! Much appreciated.
DeleteHello, I'm Takayukui Kawase, a Japanese university student. Your Japanese is so great! Please ask me everything about Japan!
ReplyDeleteVery well written! I did some senryu for this project too, but I think you've outdone me! I like the use of katakana for park.
ReplyDeleteI am a Japanese student, but I don't know Senryu:( You are so cool☆
ReplyDeleteGreat work! I especially like the last poem, how did you get the idea for it? I also like the way you kept a running theme through the poems that connects three very different topics. Good choices as to where to put emphasis through the use of katakana.
ReplyDeleteHello, I am Takayuki Kawase, a Japane student. It was great to communicate with you. Your English is so great! Good luck!!!!!
ReplyDelete